Back in KC for 3 more weeks and 2 days! Well 1 day after today. The classroom is very uncomfortable, but I want to get this training over and back to Topeka so my life can begin again.
I miss my daughter and spouse more than ever. I have just talked to her on the phone and I miss here. She is more about moving away from Mom, and as before I know that I have to let her go and she will come back once she tests the waters. She is so beautiful and she is very smart.
I miss my spouse, he is my best friend, we can anything to one another, and we have the same humor. Well I will back soon and this bridge I must beat and I will be earning my salary.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Superman III
Superman, I am married to him!!! He was able to take my van apart and put it back together again, and it runs like new. He worked so hard on getting it to run again, and I do not know how to express how proud I am of him. He has never worked on the new vehicles with the computers, but he mastered it.
Always marry a man who can fix anything, I am always telling my daughter that. No pretty boys for us. Pretty boys are men who look good, but cannot tell which end of the screwdriver to use. A real man is who I have, good looking, sensual and can fix anything.
Our 19th wedding anniversary was on the 23rd, and we both forgot. I can remember when I was hurt that he might forget it. Well as we grow older, other things are more important. Our 17 year old and our grandchildren. Grandpa will watch our little one with down syndrome tomorrow after her preschool. She loves to come with him, she will play and play and then they will take a nap. Well I forgot they will eat lunch first. She will eat anything, and it is easy for him. PB and J a easy lunch, and she is very happy. I am envious that he will get to watch her without me, but it is good for both of them.
See he can do anything, grand baby sitting and fix anything. I am the luckiest women in the world, but I am no Lois Lane.
Always marry a man who can fix anything, I am always telling my daughter that. No pretty boys for us. Pretty boys are men who look good, but cannot tell which end of the screwdriver to use. A real man is who I have, good looking, sensual and can fix anything.
Our 19th wedding anniversary was on the 23rd, and we both forgot. I can remember when I was hurt that he might forget it. Well as we grow older, other things are more important. Our 17 year old and our grandchildren. Grandpa will watch our little one with down syndrome tomorrow after her preschool. She loves to come with him, she will play and play and then they will take a nap. Well I forgot they will eat lunch first. She will eat anything, and it is easy for him. PB and J a easy lunch, and she is very happy. I am envious that he will get to watch her without me, but it is good for both of them.
See he can do anything, grand baby sitting and fix anything. I am the luckiest women in the world, but I am no Lois Lane.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Home at last
Home for one week, yahoo!!!! I even cooked dinner tonight and washed the dishes. The rule is whoever cooks the other needs to wash the dishes or load the dishwasher. I went to the grocery store with my spouse, and then I went to Walmart by myself. That can be somewhat trying, but I like to look and catch the bargains.
Bargains, I am 48 years old and still do mycoke rewards and clip all the coupons I can find. Today I saved at Dillon's $18.00 and about $7.50 at Walmart. I know women who will not clip and buy name brand only. My mother is ingrained in me very deeply, and she was the best bargain shopper I know, next to me. My daughter is also very aware of the cost of articles, I only buy on clearance and out of season. She has a lot of good clothes, maybe not want she wanted exactly, but close enough.
While in KC I made the rounds of American Eagle and found some very good bargains at all the stores. Legends A&E had denim dresses, but the other stores did not. I got her a denim strapless dress and she wore it to work, with her ankle cowboy boots! To cute :).
The dress was $19.99 with 15% off to boot. This is how I shop. Today I realized for myself I am going to have to bring the game up and dress more professionally, and that will cost money. I need at least one good suit with pants, and a skirt. Some more polyester pants (not like our mothers generation). I do plan and getting promoted again, and I will not wait another 10 years for it to happen. My daughter is in her senior year and off to college, there is nothing holding me back but myself. Growth, and huge growth is coming and I better be ready, it is coming whether or I like it or not.
Bargains, I am 48 years old and still do mycoke rewards and clip all the coupons I can find. Today I saved at Dillon's $18.00 and about $7.50 at Walmart. I know women who will not clip and buy name brand only. My mother is ingrained in me very deeply, and she was the best bargain shopper I know, next to me. My daughter is also very aware of the cost of articles, I only buy on clearance and out of season. She has a lot of good clothes, maybe not want she wanted exactly, but close enough.
While in KC I made the rounds of American Eagle and found some very good bargains at all the stores. Legends A&E had denim dresses, but the other stores did not. I got her a denim strapless dress and she wore it to work, with her ankle cowboy boots! To cute :).
The dress was $19.99 with 15% off to boot. This is how I shop. Today I realized for myself I am going to have to bring the game up and dress more professionally, and that will cost money. I need at least one good suit with pants, and a skirt. Some more polyester pants (not like our mothers generation). I do plan and getting promoted again, and I will not wait another 10 years for it to happen. My daughter is in her senior year and off to college, there is nothing holding me back but myself. Growth, and huge growth is coming and I better be ready, it is coming whether or I like it or not.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Disappointment
Since discovering my autoimmune disease, disappointing people happens far to often. It is never a personal slight, I am just too tired, feel bad and or no energy. Rest often, especially since I have to work. I do have to work, not only to support my family, but my peace of mind. I trick myself a lot, when it is very difficult to go to work, I say to myself, "If it is to bad, I can leave.". That very rarely happens, I end up working overtime.
My own time, it is different, I have to rest to go back to work. During the week, I miss most outside activities and do not want to do anything on Sundays. Just stay at home and rest and work on housework.
I am so attuned to the look in the eyes and wondering why I am not joining people from work or family. I just endure and try to understand from their point of view. Quick to judge I sometimes can be myself. I have to look out for my health, no one else will.
My spouse does understand, he may be the only one. He sees how hard it is for me to get out of bed, and how tired I am after work. He looks out for me, and often has to explain to others, that it is the real deal. This what God has given me, and I will not ask why, I just know that he has a plan for me. God never said it was going to be a piece of cake, and I will live my life and enjoy what I have, even though I disappoint others.
My own time, it is different, I have to rest to go back to work. During the week, I miss most outside activities and do not want to do anything on Sundays. Just stay at home and rest and work on housework.
I am so attuned to the look in the eyes and wondering why I am not joining people from work or family. I just endure and try to understand from their point of view. Quick to judge I sometimes can be myself. I have to look out for my health, no one else will.
My spouse does understand, he may be the only one. He sees how hard it is for me to get out of bed, and how tired I am after work. He looks out for me, and often has to explain to others, that it is the real deal. This what God has given me, and I will not ask why, I just know that he has a plan for me. God never said it was going to be a piece of cake, and I will live my life and enjoy what I have, even though I disappoint others.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Water
Coming home from work, I stopped to get bottled water. 25 minutes later I came out with one bag and no water. The very item I needed the most. At 48 this is happening every day, and I do not like it!
Memory of an elephant is how I was described by my family, friends and my spouse. Aging is making the short term memory going south. How can I deal with this? Gracefully, admitting to myself I am no longer a spring chicken. The right breast was the first to go, followed by legs, then the weight. Lost the weight, did not get my previous gorgeous legs back!
My grandson was over and wanted to go on a bike ride. My bike has a flat tire for over 6 years, so I walked while he rode. I ended up going half the way and encouraging him to go on and I will watch him. Another thing gone, my exercising. Aging is all about losing what we had, with out a chance of getting it back.
Well I will go out fighting!!!! The new forty is fifty and the new sixty is fifty. That is what I will tell myself at each decade until I die. When I think about things, I still feel like a kid, even though I am way past that age. Live life each day and enjoy them as they go so fast.
Memory of an elephant is how I was described by my family, friends and my spouse. Aging is making the short term memory going south. How can I deal with this? Gracefully, admitting to myself I am no longer a spring chicken. The right breast was the first to go, followed by legs, then the weight. Lost the weight, did not get my previous gorgeous legs back!
My grandson was over and wanted to go on a bike ride. My bike has a flat tire for over 6 years, so I walked while he rode. I ended up going half the way and encouraging him to go on and I will watch him. Another thing gone, my exercising. Aging is all about losing what we had, with out a chance of getting it back.
Well I will go out fighting!!!! The new forty is fifty and the new sixty is fifty. That is what I will tell myself at each decade until I die. When I think about things, I still feel like a kid, even though I am way past that age. Live life each day and enjoy them as they go so fast.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Family
Family cannot be picked like our friends. Family is the ones whom you can depend on when times get rough. For example, when my van when out, our niece allowed me to use her car. That is a big deal. I have been able to have my freedom, and sense of security. I do not have to rely on anyone, or be afraid. Afraid of feeling stranded, all alone and no way to get out.
Trauma can bring on the feelings I described. At the age of 13 my parents went on a trip and relied on one of my older sisters to pick me up from work. I was working at a grill counter in a small pharmacy in a very bad neighborhood at night. During the day it was okay, people shopped and walked around in ease. But come nightfall, the low income housing behind the store was a very scary hood.
The stores all closed before dark, and I was closing the grill by myself. At the age of 13, always dependable one. I waited for my sister to come and get me. The day turned to night and I was still sitting by myself outside the pharmacy. This was before cell phones and I had no idea which bar she was at. I sat and watched around me getting more scared by the second. I could not walk home it was over 10 miles.
The grill customers were the almost always the same people. Older men who tried to hit on me, at the age of 13. I was very nervous around them, and was not happy to see them outside of the pharmacy. I was trying to hide myself, but a truck pulled up and out stepped one of the older men I was not comfortable with. My heart stopped!
He asked me what I was doing sitting her after dark. "Waiting on my sister to come and pick me up." I replied in a shaking voice. Suddenly he became very protective, and said " This is not a good neighborhood, so I will sit with you until she arrives.".
We had to wait another 30 minutes before she arrived, speeding like a maniac in the parking lot, Screaming " I forgot you, I am so sorry!". I just cried, and she felt bad, but the damage had been done. Ever since that day, I will not go without my own vehicle. The fear is always there.
So for our niece to allow me to use her car, is a very big deal to me!!! I do not know how to thank her. What do you get for someone who has given me a piece of sanity? Hopefully I will think of something.
Trauma can bring on the feelings I described. At the age of 13 my parents went on a trip and relied on one of my older sisters to pick me up from work. I was working at a grill counter in a small pharmacy in a very bad neighborhood at night. During the day it was okay, people shopped and walked around in ease. But come nightfall, the low income housing behind the store was a very scary hood.
The stores all closed before dark, and I was closing the grill by myself. At the age of 13, always dependable one. I waited for my sister to come and get me. The day turned to night and I was still sitting by myself outside the pharmacy. This was before cell phones and I had no idea which bar she was at. I sat and watched around me getting more scared by the second. I could not walk home it was over 10 miles.
The grill customers were the almost always the same people. Older men who tried to hit on me, at the age of 13. I was very nervous around them, and was not happy to see them outside of the pharmacy. I was trying to hide myself, but a truck pulled up and out stepped one of the older men I was not comfortable with. My heart stopped!
He asked me what I was doing sitting her after dark. "Waiting on my sister to come and pick me up." I replied in a shaking voice. Suddenly he became very protective, and said " This is not a good neighborhood, so I will sit with you until she arrives.".
We had to wait another 30 minutes before she arrived, speeding like a maniac in the parking lot, Screaming " I forgot you, I am so sorry!". I just cried, and she felt bad, but the damage had been done. Ever since that day, I will not go without my own vehicle. The fear is always there.
So for our niece to allow me to use her car, is a very big deal to me!!! I do not know how to thank her. What do you get for someone who has given me a piece of sanity? Hopefully I will think of something.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Love
My definition of Love is not the text book answer, or a gooey emotion that oozes with sugar. Love is not one of the senses, or actually a feeling. Love is combination of feelings and sensations and emotions. One cannot touch it or measure with a ruler. Love is unique to 2 individuals, and it can be as large as millions. But for me it is time, lots of time.
Years of being with one man and how the layers of time build a bridge. Driving to Lawrence when I forget my makeup bag with my meds. Driving in the rain and giving me money, because I did not have any. Changing the sheets on the bed before I left, so he could have a good nights sleep. Working on my van, until late in the night, finishing the laundry so he could have clean clothes. Cleaning the floors for me and going to the grocery store for him so he does not have to. Letting me inside his fears, and listening to my tears. Working together to raise one daughter from birth to adulthood. Trying to be part of our (step daughters to me) life's including the grandchildren. Transitioning to being just the two of us, alone at last. Just my honey and our dog April.
How do you explain to another individual or teenager what love is? Just a sample of our love was shared. Love grows and blossoms over the years and I have enjoyed each one and all of the future ones to come.
Years of being with one man and how the layers of time build a bridge. Driving to Lawrence when I forget my makeup bag with my meds. Driving in the rain and giving me money, because I did not have any. Changing the sheets on the bed before I left, so he could have a good nights sleep. Working on my van, until late in the night, finishing the laundry so he could have clean clothes. Cleaning the floors for me and going to the grocery store for him so he does not have to. Letting me inside his fears, and listening to my tears. Working together to raise one daughter from birth to adulthood. Trying to be part of our (step daughters to me) life's including the grandchildren. Transitioning to being just the two of us, alone at last. Just my honey and our dog April.
How do you explain to another individual or teenager what love is? Just a sample of our love was shared. Love grows and blossoms over the years and I have enjoyed each one and all of the future ones to come.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Superman II
I have been locked out for numerous days and I felt a little stifled. Once starting this blog, it is a release for me now. A way to share and process thoughts, feelings and emotions.
Of course Superman had to fix the blog for me! What would I do without him? I certainly do not want to find out. Fred had to come to my rescue in Kansas City, my beloved mini van overheated. He came down with his brothers and a trailer to haul it home. In addition he found me a car to use while I am here. He asked his niece (she just had a beautiful baby girl) and they had an extra car. I am so very grateful, to be without a vehicle is very hard for me. I need to be in control, be able to get away if I need to. I cannot be dependable on any one but myself and my husband.
This week I only have 3 nights away from him, I hope it will go very fast.
Of course Superman had to fix the blog for me! What would I do without him? I certainly do not want to find out. Fred had to come to my rescue in Kansas City, my beloved mini van overheated. He came down with his brothers and a trailer to haul it home. In addition he found me a car to use while I am here. He asked his niece (she just had a beautiful baby girl) and they had an extra car. I am so very grateful, to be without a vehicle is very hard for me. I need to be in control, be able to get away if I need to. I cannot be dependable on any one but myself and my husband.
This week I only have 3 nights away from him, I hope it will go very fast.
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